Still so far to go.

London is officially neck-in-neck with Paris for my favorite European city. Today we did something really touristy and took a hop-on-hop-off bus around the city. Yes, it totally gave us away as tourists, but this way we got to see the entire city in just a few hours. And tonight we saw a production of the Wizard of Oz, the musical. It was amazing! I love London for it's history, the music, the vibe, the theater, and most importantly, the accent. 

But today was more than just a good day. It was a learning experience. Today I realized that while I've discovered and learned so much about myself over the last five weeks, I still have so far to go. I thought I was more mature, able to handle the curve balls of life a little more eloquently, and certainly able to let things roll off my back a little more. I was proved wrong. So wrong. Without going into detail, let's just say I lost my cool a little bit over email with a friend. I'm embarrassed, humbled, ashamed, and sorry. Clearly, I still have so far to go. 

And then there's more...

High expectations were had for this trip. Renewal. Revival. Rejuvenation. Along the way, I’ve experienced all of these. I found rejuvenation in Portugal when the realization set in that for the next five weeks, I could leave my life in San Diego behind. I had time to enjoy my coffee a bit longer, freedom to laugh a little louder with friends, and the sense to just enjoy the Portuguese pastry without worry of calories (well, that last one is still something I can’t completely do, but I gave myself a little more freedom in Europe). I found revival in Paris. The busyness of the streets, the roar of the Metro, the lights of the Eiffel – I had found my happy place. All confidence and sense of self-worth flooded back into my heart. I never wanted to let Paris, or my newfound self, go. And then there’s renewal. All the bits of history, romance, lessons, experiences, sights, sounds, thoughts, and reflections have aided in my renewal.

So why is there a knot in my stomach I can’t ignore?

Because I’m utterly and wholly terrified to go home and lose all of this. I can hear my parents now (hi, mom and dad), “What do you mean, you’re afraid to lose your confidence? Didn’t I raise you to be a confident person?”  Yes, yes you did. But let’s be honest…the world sucks, the media sucks, mean people suck, and even nice people and your best friends can hurt you. And all of that left me as a fairly self-conscious, confident-lacking person.  To think that 5 weeks in Europe can bring a person back to their happy, carefree self is a quite a bit to ask for. But indeed, it brought me what I needed.  I only hope it’s enough to sustain me as I go back to reality in just a few days. I’m scared, nervous, anxious, and just plain overwhelmed that maybe this wasn’t enough. Maybe I’ll find myself depleted of the goodness I found here. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. Today proved otherwise, but maybe I am. Maybe my friends will be introduced to a new Lauren. Maybe people will notice a positive change. The best thing I can do for myself is to give it an honest try. I will go back to the U.S. with my restored soul and live life for me once again.

I’ll leave you with something I tell myself whenever I’m doing something I love. Photography, playing guitar, singing, crafting, writing…whenever I find time to do those things for me, the world goes away. "And then she was free…", I think. I’m having a friend sketch this phrase in French onto my guitar for me, as a reminder to keep doing what I love…for me and for no one else.

Et puis elle se sentait légère.

(It’s not an exact translation, because the word “free” in French means something different than to “be free”. The exact translation is “And then she felt lighter…”, but it’s the same idea.)

While I still have so far to go, I can't ignore how far I've come. Until today I was pretty free. Fairly confident. And mostly composed. I slipped up, but then again, I'm human. Tomorrow is a new day. And Thursday will be the ultimate test. Will Europe Lauren come back home with me? I think so.